Dodgers Acquire Marmot From Cubs

The Dodgers made a stunning move on Monday evening, trading the recently designated-for-assignment Matt Guerrier for Carlos the Marmot.

Carlos the Marmot, the newest member of the Dodgers, in his natural habitat.

The confused Ned Colletti, looking to bolster his beleaguered bullpen, thought that he was acquiring hard-throwing Carlos Marmol, a Cubs reliever who was also recently designated for assignment due to his struggles.

As it turns out, Colletti was actually trading for Carlos the Marmot, a woodland creature commonly found in the High Sierras.

“Whoops.  Well, at least it’s not Jason Schmidt, right?” Colletti asked a confused press corp.  “I mean, look at him, he’s cute and fluffy.”

Word is that the trade for the marmot may complicate any effort the Dodgers make to acquire Bud Norris from the Houston Astros.

“Look at that damn little rodent thing,” Norris was quoted as saying.  “I’m not letting my dog anywhere near that thing.”

Bud Norris doesn’t want his dog anywhere near Carlos the Marmot and may lobby to have the Astros not engage in any trade talks that would send him to Los Angeles.

“I mean, shoot,” Norris continued.  “Domesticated animals are one thing.  I might have even been cool with them trading for one of those big rats in a cage if the dang thing is house trained.  But a marmot in a baseball park?  It’s likely to leave its droppings everywhere and bite players’ ankles during warmups.”

“There is no place in baseball for a marmot,” Norris finished, nodding his head, then taking his little dog and going home.

Asked to explain himself for allowing Colletti to finalize the trade that brings the marmot to the Dodgers, managing partner Stan Kasten said “look, the acquisition of animals has worked well for the Angels.  I mean, they even sign fish!  Tim Salmon.  Mike Trout.  Its worked well for them.”

“Both those guys won Rookie of the Year awards!”

Now that we think about it, Matt Guerrier with a beard sort of looks like a marmot…how do we know that we didn’t actually just trade Matt for himself?

Matt Guerrier was also confused and issued the following statement.

“I mean, man, ChiTown!  What a great place to pitch!  And I’m not even the worst guy there, I mean, Carlos Marmol was terrible and my ERA at 4.80 is a full run almost below what his was!  So the Cubs fans should really appreciate my efforts.  But seriously.  I just got traded for a little thing that looks like a fat squirrel that accidentally ate some Rogaine.  It’s got little beady eyes like Shane Victorino, and that dude scared me a lot.”

Huh…now that Matt Guerrier mentions it, Shane Victorino does kind of have little beady eyes. Like a marmot.

Reached for comment, Victorino had the following to say.

“Yeah, Guerrier’s one to talk.  I mean, when he doesn’t shave, he looks like a goddamned marmot.  Maybe they just traded him for himself.  Guerrier needs to get over my beady eyes.  I can’t help it.  I’m Hawaiian.  Go Red Sox.”

Reached by phone, manager Don Mattingly had the following to say.

“I’m not taking that damn marmot to Anaheim when it’s my turn to watch Andre Ethier play there.  The guy’s going to give me enough shit as it is.”

No word on any further trade the Dodgers may have in the works at this time.  However, it was reported that several chipmunks, squirrels, marmots and jay birds have taken up residence in the Left Field Pavilion.

Jose Being Manny, AKA Compa Hoe, is rather upset about the woodland creatures who have taken up residence in the Left Field Pavilion. “JOTOOOOOOOOS!” he shouted.

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